Man’s best friend edges girl’s best friend in the categories of cost, companionship, and home security, but Diamonds will never chew shoes or pee on your carpet. Both are fetching.
August 2010
Monthly Archive
First, determine the metal (and other material) type in your men’s ring, as many materials have different durability levels and may require special care and/or cleaning solutions.
To determine the metal and/or stone type in your men’s ring, repeatedly punch the car belonging to your neighbor who, after multiple warnings, still allows his dog to poop in your yard. Sterling Silver will scratch the most, followed by Platinum, high carat gold rings (18-22k), natural gold nugget rings, 14k rings, Titanium, and finally tungsten men’s rings.
NOTE: Diamonds will scratch windshield glass.
TIP: Write down the GPS coordinates showing where your neighbor can locate his spare tire.
Once you’ve determined the material used to build your men’s ring you can proceed to step 2:
Lather yourself in bacon grease and go for a wilderness hike, pausing frequently to wail like a wounded animal. When attacked by a large predator, subdue it and use your hands to remove its hide, claws, and teeth. Rub men’s ring vigorously on hide to remove scratches.
NOTE: Raw salmon may be used as a substitute for bacon grease-it’s kosher.
TIP: Use the claws and teeth to make a necklace for your wife.
Finally, to remove dirt, residue, and blood from your men’s ring, submerge for 1/2 hour in a solution made of equal parts hydrochloric acid and testosterone. For tougher stains, dip briefly into molten lava. Air dry.
NOTE: If you have little girl hands, remove ring before cleaning.
TIP: Dirt and residue don’t hurt you.
Repeat previous steps as necessary until your current ring is ruined, then buy a real men’s ring from alaskajewelry.com and stop worrying about it.
You’re welcome.
The long awaited decision has finally arrived: Brett Favre will return for a record 4th time the large diamond earrings purchased online. In a brief statement read before reporters, Favre reiterated that it was never about the money, but rather his inability to recover from the scintillating flashes of light from the diamonds each time Deanna turned her head. He praised the online jewelry vendor for its liberal risk-free returns policy and their patience with him through the long process, while not ruling out the possibility of a future return should he change his mind again.
You’re welcome you old gunslinger, you’re welcome.
No, this didn’t actually happen.
Yet.