The Smiling Jeweler

Are you ready to take the next step in your relationship, but not sure if she feels the same? Remove the guesswork from your marriage proposal by making her an offer she literally can’t refuse!

Our hypnotic engagement rings utilize patent-pending Scintillating Hypnogyration Technology (SHT) to deliver subconscious prompts to your intended, decreasing the odds of rejection by a stunning 99.835 percent! While traditional engagement rings rely on the 58 facets of a single center diamond, our hypnotic engagement rings use a minimum of 1160 gyrating white diamond facets to gently override objections!

“A proposal is too important to leave up to chance.” says Tim Sexton, who recently purchased a a 1.41 Carat Hypnotic engagement ring. “I haven’t found the girl yet,” Tim continues, holding his new purchase proudly “but with this I have the confidence to punch a bit above my weight-if you know what I mean.”

Indeed, we do know what you mean Tim, and you’re not alone. Men across the globe are utilizing the allure of these rings to propose to women who previously seemed unobtainable. “I hesitate to use the term ‘out of my league’” says recently engaged Paul Hill of Cork, Ireland, “but my pals here don’t hesitate to use it at all.” he continues, gesturing to a group of jeering friends-all of whom apparently agree that his fiancè is far more attractive than he is. “What can I say,” he shrugs, “it’s a game changer.”

Yes, it is a game changer. And due to the fact that many smaller diamonds are far more affordable than a single diamond of the same carat weight, the cost savings make the hypnotic engagement ring a no-brainer. As Tim Sexton says: “Why spend $10,000 to land a trout when you can spend $5000 to land a trophy King Salmon?”

Remove the guesswork from your proposal today, by purchasing a hypnotic engagement ring!

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In the United States, Labor Day is celebrated to commemorate the many hours of excruciating pain each mother endured to bring us into this world. Celebrated on the first Monday of September (so each of us has a full 72 hours to reflect upon the agony of childbirth) this national holiday has been adopted by all 50 States. Labor day is traditionally celebrated with gift-giving. Cards and flowers are often enough to placate an exploited Mom, while those who possess more than a flickering ember of humanity often opt for something that more accurately reflects their profound thankfulness to the one who gave them life.

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Man’s best friend edges girl’s best friend in the categories of cost, companionship, and home security, but Diamonds will never chew shoes or pee on your carpet. Both are fetching.

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First, determine the metal (and other material) type in your men’s ring, as many materials have different durability levels and may require special care and/or cleaning solutions.

To determine the metal and/or stone type in your men’s ring, repeatedly punch the car belonging to your neighbor who, after multiple warnings, still allows his dog to poop in your yard. Sterling Silver will scratch the most, followed by Platinum, high carat gold rings (18-22k), natural gold nugget rings, 14k rings, Titanium, and finally tungsten men’s rings.

NOTE: Diamonds will scratch windshield glass.
TIP: Write down the GPS coordinates showing where your neighbor can locate his spare tire.

Once you’ve determined the material used to build your men’s ring you can proceed to step 2:

Lather yourself in bacon grease and go for a wilderness hike, pausing frequently to wail like a wounded animal. When attacked by a large predator, subdue it and use your hands to remove its hide, claws, and teeth. Rub men’s ring vigorously on hide to remove scratches.

NOTE: Raw salmon may be used as a substitute for bacon grease-it’s kosher.
TIP: Use the claws and teeth to make a necklace for your wife.

Finally, to remove dirt, residue, and blood from your men’s ring, submerge for 1/2 hour in a solution made of equal parts hydrochloric acid and testosterone. For tougher stains, dip briefly into molten lava. Air dry.

NOTE: If you have little girl hands, remove ring before cleaning.
TIP: Dirt and residue don’t hurt you.

Repeat previous steps as necessary until your current ring is ruined, then buy a real men’s ring from alaskajewelry.com and stop worrying about it.

You’re welcome.

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The long awaited decision has finally arrived: Brett Favre will return for a record 4th time the large diamond earrings purchased online. In a brief statement read before reporters, Favre reiterated that it was never about the money, but rather his inability to recover from the scintillating flashes of light from the diamonds each time Deanna turned her head. He praised the online jewelry vendor for its liberal risk-free returns policy and their patience with him through the long process, while not ruling out the possibility of a future return should he change his mind again.

You’re welcome you old gunslinger, you’re welcome.

No, this didn’t actually happen.

Yet.

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