First, determine the metal (and other material) type in your men’s ring, as many materials have different durability levels and may require special care and/or cleaning solutions.
To determine the metal and/or stone type in your men’s ring, repeatedly punch the car belonging to your neighbor who, after multiple warnings, still allows his dog to poop in your yard. Sterling Silver will scratch the most, followed by Platinum, high carat gold rings (18-22k), natural gold nugget rings, 14k rings, Titanium, and finally tungsten men’s rings.
NOTE: Diamonds will scratch windshield glass.
TIP: Write down the GPS coordinates showing where your neighbor can locate his spare tire.
Once you’ve determined the material used to build your men’s ring you can proceed to step 2:
Lather yourself in bacon grease and go for a wilderness hike, pausing frequently to wail like a wounded animal. When attacked by a large predator, subdue it and use your hands to remove its hide, claws, and teeth. Rub men’s ring vigorously on hide to remove scratches.
NOTE: Raw salmon may be used as a substitute for bacon grease-it’s kosher.
TIP: Use the claws and teeth to make a necklace for your wife.
Finally, to remove dirt, residue, and blood from your men’s ring, submerge for 1/2 hour in a solution made of equal parts hydrochloric acid and testosterone. For tougher stains, dip briefly into molten lava. Air dry.
NOTE: If you have little girl hands, remove ring before cleaning.
TIP: Dirt and residue don’t hurt you.
Repeat previous steps as necessary until your current ring is ruined, then buy a real men’s ring from alaskajewelry.com and stop worrying about it.
You’re welcome.
